This weekend was my dear friend Jamie's bridal shower. I'm her maid of honor, so technically I held the shower, but due to limited space we held it at Jamie's house. I'm so thankful for such a great friend! Who holds their own bridal shower to be less of an inconvenience for their MOH??? Well, it was a lovely party! We had a beautiful Sunday brunch, one game, and of course a myriad of presents for the blushing bride. As fun as it was, I'm actually pretty glad that at least one step is over! Now comes the hard part...
Over the last year, after finally figuring out my problems with gluten I dropped a ton of weight, around 40 pounds total. Well, after the latest holiday season, and my becoming more comfortable with food again, I have put back some of the lost 40. I only gained about 10 pounds back, but you can probably guess, I can no longer fit into my bridesmaid dress. This is even more frustrating due to the fact that the sales girls convinced me to get a smaller size than I was comfortable in because they assured me it fit me better. It was snug a few months ago when I picked it up, and now I can't even get the zipper close to closed.
Weight has always been a really sensitive subject for me. I spent a good chunk of high school battling bulimia, and by the time I got to college my relationship with food was incredibly strained. Growing up, and even in my adult life, my weight has been a constant struggle... for my mom. She has never been satisfied with my appearance, and for years I fought with myself to conform to what she wanted from me, then for years I struggled with not letting her dictate what I should look like or how I should feel about myself. It's taken a good six or seven years, but I finally feel like I can brush her off when she starts ragging on my weight. But right now, as I sit looking at a dress I can't zip, I can't help but feel guilty about brushing her off all the time. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, part of why this dress doesn't fit is because I tried it on when I was in the middle of figuring out my issues with food and I was a little smaller than I feel comfortable at, and I'm actually quite content with my body now. But I can't shake the feeling that she was on to something the last time she brought up my "holiday weight."
Well, back to the present and I have to do something to squeeze myself into this dress in exactly 27 days! So today I decided it was time to stop wallowing in guilt, and confusion, and I should do something about this. I have been getting on my treadmill a couple of times a week recently, but as my dress is still too tight, I can see that a few walks a week just isn't going to cut it this time. I decided to set an eating plan for myself, and to get back into a gym. I'm preparing myself for the upcoming two a day workouts that it is going to take to get rid of those 10 extra pounds. I've set a goal of a treadmill workout in the morning and a gym workout after work every weekday. I've also set a sensible food plan for myself, this part is going to be challenging, but I'm sure I can still make food interesting. I foresee lots of avocados, chicken, and spinach in my future, but it will all be worth it. Like I told my wonderful boyfriend, the first time I lost the weight it was because I was scared of eating, I gained some of it back because I allowed myself to become too comfortable with food. I can see now that there is a healthy medium between being terrified to eat, and being so comfortable with what I can eat that I end up over indulging. The challenge now is about modifying my relationship with food again, but it is also about adding exercise. Eating right only works for so long before you have to start increasing your energy output too.
So here goes! Twenty seven days, and 10 pounds, it's going to be hard, but I know I can do this! I'm still working on the right way to do it, but the next 27 days are just the jump start. The real work is still going to be maintaining all that hard work.
